Have you ever kept yourself from crying because you know you won't be able to stop and you don't want people to worry about you?
Tonight is that night. I've fought the tears for a while now. I've tried to be a stonewall about it. I've become numb. Sure I shed a few tears every now and then or my eyes well up but I can't ever really seem to squeeze out the tears. It's a weird defense mechanism that I'm not sure I've created on purpose.
But, tonight is the night that it all came out. Runny nose, unstoppable river of tears, inability to catch my breath, sobbing, wailing, screaming into my pillow cry. Tonight is it.
Why am I crying?
I'm crying because I miss Jennifer. I'm crying because I'm leaving Salt Lake. I'm crying because I don't know how to make adult decisions without turmoil. I'm crying because my friend just lost her husband of not even 2 years. I'm crying because she's hurting. I'm crying because he'll never get to hold his baby girls. I'm crying because I miss him too. I'm crying because I'm touched by the love she has for him. I'm crying because I want that kind of love. I'm crying because I miss my family. I'm crying because I don't want to leave Southside. I'm crying because I told my best friend I'm leaving and they don't care. I'm crying because it feels like someone took a machete to my heart because my best friend doesn't care. I'm crying over the wasted last year of my life.I'm crying because I can't seem to communicate why I'm crying. I'm crying because I'm crying! I'm in pain and I'm crying.
The tears will stop and I'll blow my nose. I'll pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on to the next phase just like I always do.
Except this time
you know my secret. You know that I've cried this kind of cry. Now my verbal vomit is all over this webpage and I'm left standing... stripped naked...
and crying
